Roman's World
by wlfmanjack
Summary: Talk show fic. Basically a Jerry Springer parody show, with Roman as the host. Not for the easily triggered. Artwork by Deviantart artist VSasha
1. I'm cheating on you with a waifu

Amongst the roar of a cheering crowd, we find the host Roman Torchwick entering the stage. The audience consisted completely of shadowy people looking down at a stage with three chairs each seated with Sun, Blake, and Yang. Roman addressed, "Good evening everyone, I hope you're all excited for the first episode ooooffff-"

" _ **ROMAN'S WORLD**_ ," The audience cheered.

"Yes and today's topic is, I've been cheating on you with a hot waifu." Roman then turned to Sun, "You look nervous here boy."

"Well," Sun mumbled, "How else am I suppose to feel, the subject says it all."

"Indeed it does, now Blake you have something to confess."

"Yes," The cat girl sighed, she grabbed hold of Yang's hand and admitted, "Sun. Yang and I are in love and I've been cheating on you," What followed was a mixture boos and cheers drowning out Blake's I'm so sorry line.

"Now people, please," Roman mitigated, "We can act civilized here and keep our positive or negative comments one at a time. You lady, you have something to say."

"Yeah I have something to say," The silhouette announced, "being a shadow person, all the real people just overlook you like you're nothing. Like you're part of the background or something, it hurts. So I know what it's like being gay in this day an age which is why I'm team bumbleby _BITCHES!"_

What followed were a slightly higher amount of cheers than boos, "Alright good talk," Roman stated, "And you there young lady."

"Yeah, I have a few things to say about that c%nt Blake." A flurry of boos filled the room. As Roman began to quiet them down, the shadowy girl continued, "First you act like a f*#king tease to Ilia, then you lead Adam on just to dump him the moment you find out that the terrorist organization you worked for was SURPRISE a f#%king terrorist organization and now Sun, one of the nicest and dependable guys in this series and you throw him away like he's nothing. I was team Blacksun for the longest time, but now I think Sun and all the people you lead on deserve better than your smelly STD covered C#NT!"

The audience erupted in O's and laughter as Blake mouthed wow, Yang stood up and shouted, "Hey bitch, you want me smash your F%CKING teeth in?!"

Another round of O's filled the room, with the crowd chanting Roman over and over again. After Security brought Yang back down to her seat and the con calmed everyone down, Roman commented, "Wow, quite the statement. Alright one more comment from the audience and we'll get Sun's thoughts on this, you there sir. What do you have to say?"

"Yeah uh, I just want to say a few things about the petty and overblown ship war that is Bumbleby vs Blacksun. Anyone with an I.Q. or age over ten can tell that Sun and Yang are practically the same character aside from the fact Yang has abandonment issues. If you look at their bare basic character traits as they would interact with anyone and not romantically charged moments, the similarities are quite obvious. RWBY Chibi is a great example of this as they focus primarily on their basic traits in a exaggerated fashion and do nothing, but prove they are the same character. The only ship that truly makes sense in this love triangle is Sun and Yang, thus I support the best ship Solar Flare."

The audience all fell quiet as Roman broke the silence, "Who da fuck, do you think you are? Security get rid of this assh&le, beat the sh*t out of him, kill him." As the audience chanted Roman's name, the host whispered to himself, "Like this show is about logic."

He then quickly turned his attention to Sun, "Alright kid, you've heard from the audience now we're all dying to know what you think of this situation."

"Well," Sun mumbled, "I am shocked to say the least. I mean I was wondering what Yang was doing here, but that's only because I thought we were here for my confession."

The audience all gasped and whispered amongst each as Blake uttered, "You- You cheated on me?"

"...Yes."

The entire room sparked in O's as Roman turned to the camera and stated, "That's right folks I told both Sun and Blake separately, they were confessing to their cheating in the most healthy way possible. Live on television for everyone to see and judge, but I didn't say the other was also confessing and when we return, we'll find out which waifu Sun's been given it too, right here on Roman's World."

* * *

In the center of the screen we find Weiss's father Jacques Schnee with one foot standing on a chair addressing the tv viewers, "Hello everyone, you know there's a lot of mud slinging going on towards the Schnee Dust company. A lot of ultra radical Faunus would like you to believe we still dump toxic materials in Faunus populated areas and that we still employ practices that continue the cycle of poverty of many Faunus themselves, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We have to remember these allegations are thrown by the terrorist group known as, the White Fang, and do any of you really want to be on the side of terrorism? I know I don't, their actions have been harmful to many of our employees. Good hardworking huuuuuu-Peeeople." He scuffed, "People with families, so why not take the side against terrorism and enjoy a high quality product for a low price."

 ** _SCHNEE DUST, A MOSTLY ETHICAL BUSINESS_**

* * *

"Alright folks we're back on Roman's World. Now Blake, do you have anything you'd like to say before we reveal who Sun has been cheating on you with?"

The cat girl sighed, "You know, whoever it is I don't think it will change anything. I cheated on him and he cheated on me, clearly our relationship had problems and we didn't try to fix it. I'll admit I was distant, he tried to be there for me and I pushed him away so many times he sought comfort in another woman. Nothing can change that now so whatever happens, happens."

"Young lady that is a very mature answer, alright ladies and gentlemen say hello to KALI BELLADONNA!"

"WHAT!" Blake screamed.

And sure enough, Blake's mother entered the stage wearing a tight leather suit hugging all of her curves with black leather high heeled boots. She swayed her hips as the stands cheered and cat called the milf. Kali then planted herself on Sun's lap and gave him a long deep kiss in front of her daughter as Blake froze with her jaw wide open.

"Oh my," Roman snide, "There's an image that'll scar you for life." He then turned to Sun, "Now Sun, what would posses you to cheat on your girlfriend?"

"Simple," The monkey chirped, "Kali's hotter, has no baggage, and she doesn't play hard to get."

The audience erupted with another wave of O's and boos as Roman turned to the milf, "And you Mrs. Belladonna. You have a loyal husband, why would you seek comfort in your daughter's boyfriend?"

Kali giggled, "Well first of all Ghira's dick don't work like it use to-" A wave of cheers and boos filled the room, "Secondly who in their right mind would choose between that old fuck Ghira or this handsome piece of man meat."

With that final comment, Blake scream and flung herself at the two. Only to be instantly tackled by the tiny, but cute Neo wearing a security shirt as she and other security personnel worked to restrain the Faunus.

As the viciously angry Blake was escorted off stage screaming obscenities, the crowd cheered Roman's name another time as the con man soaked in the attention. He then turned to Yang and asked, "Alright, since Blake's no longer here to comment, why don't we get your thoughts on the matter."

"Honestly Roman," Yang muttered, "I want to be mad, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous."

The crowd then went into another frenzy with Roman announcing, "Well that's all the time we have folks, stay tune for our next show right here... On Roman's World."


	2. Seventeen, Schnee, and Pregnant

On stage we find two chairs on the left and a single chair on the right. Weiss occupied the one chair on the left side with an empty seat next to her while her father, Jacques, sat across from her with a displeased expression on his face. The silhouettes cheered as our host entered the stage, "Ladies! Gentlemen! I welcome you all to another exciting episode oooofffff-"

The con then gestured towards the audience as they sprang in unison cheering, " **ROMAN'S WORLD!** "

"Yes and in my world we look at the sickest more deprived things that happen in Remnant. Today's topic Seventeen, Schnee, and Pregnant."

The crowd let out a wave of O's. "Yes people, seems everyone's favorite Tsundere is pregnant and daddy over here isn't happy about it."

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M NOT!" The elder Schnee barked.

"Shut the fuck up dad!" Weiss snapped back.

The crowd broke out in a frenzy as Roman turned towards the young girl, "Alright now Ice queen, without giving out any names. Can you tell us what events led you and this mystery person to doing the deed."

"Well...Over spring break me and a couple of friends of mine went on a beach resort vacation. I wanted to get close to Neptune, but no matter how far away we were from the actual ocean he kept freaking out on the tides closing in. Finally I was just sick of him, he honestly just seemed like a worse version of Jaune. In fact if it wasn't for his hair, I'd probably never have given him the time of day, but then... *HE* showed up. I laughed so hard when he completely emasculated Neptune and when this guy came up to me, I felt such an intense presence from him and truth be told, I got a little wet just by listening to his sexy voice."

The crowd let a subtle wave of O's as Roman commented, "I see, so you no longer feel any attraction to Neptune."

"God no, if Jaune is the Krillin of RWBY then Neptune would be our Yamcha."

The crowd erupted with cheers and laughs, "Okay calm down everyone," the con mediated, "Now let's get a few words from daddy. Now Mr. Schnee, pregnant at this age isn't ideal, but what are your thoughts on this mystery man before we reveal him?"

"I honestly don't care who it is," Jacques snapped, "No matter the situation Weiss failed me as a daughter. How the hell can you do this to me, to our family?"

"Now Mr. Schnee there's no reason to act so hostile towards your daughter finding love. You should at least meet the guy."

" _ **IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THIS GUY IS BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S NOT WHITLEY!**_ "

The audience gave off a few small gasps and whispers as Roman asked, "You... Wanted you daughter to be impregnated by your son?"

"Of course I did," The audience gave off flurry of moans and boos as the elder Schnee, "Quiet! All of you quiet now! I know what's best for my daughter, not you."

Roman turned back to Weiss and asked, "Did you know about this?"

"I had," she trembled, "NO idea." _*_ _shutters_ *

"Well that's some disturbing info on the Schnees, but before we continue, I'd like to transition from our incest based discussion to our newest segment. As many of you know, Kali left her husband and is currently giving it to her daughter's ex."

The crowd let out a flurry of boos.

"I know, I know and let me tell you. Some of us down here felt bad for old Ghira, thus I extended him the opportunity for our new dating segment called, **Crack ship of the week.** It's no secret this fandom is obsessed with ships and today we're announcing our newest ship I like to call Robo-Panther. Let's check in on Ghira's date with the lovable Penny Polendina."

* * *

Directing everyone's attention to the screen, we find an utterly confused Ghira sitting across Penny in an Italian restaurant as she was coloring in the kid's menu. The Faunus asked, "How... Old are you exactly?"

"Well that depends on how you view my age as an android," Penny chirped, "My body type suggests I'm about fourteen to fifteen years old, then again my mentality and personality is similar to that of an eight year(same as Ruby), but the vessel I utilize was only manufactured about three years ago."

Ghira cringed then muttered, "Yeah I don't think this is going to work out."

"If you're worried about the law Mr Belladonna, I can assure you, you have nothing to worry about. You see the laws prohibit you from engaging in romantic or sexual actions with minors that are people. I am not a person, I am an android. Thus there are no laws prohibiting you from engaging me in any romantic or sexual activities in the same way that there are no laws against blow up dolls or flesh lights."

"That... Is intriguing."

"And just so you know, I did install a flesh light in my crotch area to give you a proper sexual experience should you wish for one."

"Well, maybe I can-

* * *

Roman immediately shut off the screen after that display and with the audience expressing utter disgust, the con whispered to himself, "God damn this author has a fucked up sense of humor." He then turned to the audience declaring, "Well there you have it folks, Ghira's into lolis."

Weiss groaned, "Why the hell did I agree to do this show?"

The host then went back towards the elder Schnee asking, "Alright to get the taste of pedophile out of our mouths, let's get back to our primary discussion. Now why would you want Weiss to procreate with her brother?"

Jacques boldly answered, "The Schnee family bloodline has always been about incestuous relationships for generations. It's a sacred tradition that needs to be protected."

"Now wait," The ice queen snapped, "I overheard you say, you only married my mom for the Schnee name."

"Yes, that's because my father married outside the family and was disowned immediately. I was offered a place back into the family, but only if I married my cousin aunt."

"Your-Cousin Aunt?" The host inquired.

"Yes, after my father was disowned, my grandfather procreated with my aunt, thus giving birth to my cous-"

"Okay STOP! We get it, your family's gross. God damn, what the hell would posses the author to write this?"

"Roman, every canon Schnee ever shown has pale skin and white hair. It's kinda obvious this is true to some extent."

The audience mumbled amongst itself as Roman commented, "Wow, I really hope this idea never becomes canon, but regardless of the Schnee family bloodline. We're here to show the man that got our lady pregnant." The crowd then let out a burst of cheers as Roman suggested, "Now before we reveal this man's identity, we'd like for everyone in our audience and those at home to vote on who you think it is. Just text your answer to 1-800-Roman-sux. Yes, that's 1-..." The con man paused to carefully read the prompt, then growled to the side, "OH VERY FUNNY NEO! Uhhh, let's just cut to commercial. I need a cigar."

* * *

We open to the sight of an incredibly overweight man in a orange hooded sweatshirt as a loud narration plays over. _**HEY YOOOOUUU!**_

"Me?" The man asked.

 _ **YEAH YOU, YOU FAT F#CK**_

"Hey I'm not that fat."

 ** _ARE YOU F*CKING HUNGRY FAT ASS_**

"Not really, but I can always go for some food."

 _ **WELL YOU'RE IN LUCK FAT BOY, CAUSE AT FRANK FOOD'S FOR FAT F*CKS WE GOT EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY WANT**_

"Anything huh?"

 ** _THAT'S RIGHT YOU F#CKING FAT PIECE OF SH!T WE GOT FULL SIZED TURKEYS, ENTIRE F*#CKING SWORDFISH, AND BOWLS OF NOODLES BIGGER THAN YOUR FAT STUPID HEAD_**

"Portion sizes like that sound unreasonably big, I'm so in."

 _ **THAT'S RIGHT YOU'RE IN FAT ASS, NOW COME ON DOWN HERE AT FRANK'S FOOD'S FOR FAT F#*CKS AND EAT UNTIL YOU CAN'T MOVE NO MORE**_

 ** _Warning Faunus are not welcomed at this establishment... Just kidding, but no jews_**

* * *

Returning to the show, we find Roman eagerly awaiting to reveal the results. "Alright folks, before I reveal your answers I'd like to state no one got it unfortunately. Silver lining though, means this will be an even bigger surprise. Alright, let's reveal the results." On screen we see a 56% for Ruby, 23% for Yang, 11% for Blake, 6% for Jaune and a various amount of different results all less than 0.1%. Roman then glared at the cameras and snarled, "Really people, I said about three times THIS WAS A MAN! And yet the top three results are all women. Do you people understand how basic biology works? God damn the shipping community here gets ridiculous, we get it. You all think every single female character is a f*cking lesbian."

"HEY!" A silhouette girl snarled, "We have a right to ship whoever we want and if you got a problem with it, then you can keep your toxic opinion to yourself."

Roman stared down the woman, then proceeded to take out a magnum and kill her, "I'm not stomping on anyone's right to ship anything, I could care less about that. I'm telling you, your guys' habits towards these ships are extensively stupid and annoying. Oh and for those of you who voted Jaune, you're also annoying given the fact he's shipped with literally every female character in this show. Honestly like this author would go directly to the obvious. Seems Rooster Teeth knew what they were doing when they created a forever alone virgin character in a series populated with waifus. Anyways, let's bring out the real baby's daddy. Say hello to Adam Taurus."

What occurred was heavy metal along with an immense amount of boos as the Faunus took a seat next to Weiss. "Sup bitches," he spat out.

With more intensive booing, Roman calmed the crowd down as he went to talk to the terrorist leader himself. "Ah Mr. Taurus, it's funny how Sun was the most hated character in the series until you came into the picture."

"What can I say," He grinned, "The blonde bimbo should have kept away from my waifu."

Another round of boos erupted as Weiss asked, "Hold on, what volume is this fic in anyway? I mean if this is after Volume 3 then why would our team take time away from-"

"Sweetie, just no," Roman interjected, "Nobody cares about that and no one should. Anyways, Adam you impregnating a Schnee is rather bizarre to say the least. Can you give any weight towards this decision?"

"One, she hates the Schnee family just as much as I do," the Faunus explained.

"He's right I do," She concurred.

"Two, I knew it would ruin Jacques fucked up family line."

"BITE ME you horn headed freak," The elder Schnee snapped as everyone gasped at his choice, "Which is... A line... In a production play about a monster who happens to have horns. I don't have any prejudice against Faunus. No siree HAHAHAHA."

"...At any rate, I knew impregnating her would ruin Whitley's chances with her, Winter's not even associated with the Schnee family anymore, and Willow would never sleep with her son."

"So in other words," Roman prodded, "You wanted to fuck the Schnee family both figuratively and literally."

"Pretty much."

"Well I guess I owe you one," Weiss admitted, "If it weren't for you, I'd be stuck with Whitley. Ew."

"Yeah I'm sure we won't get a billion I'd rather fuck my brother than Adam reviews," Roman whispered to himself then turned to the terrorist, "But you know Adam, do you think the rest of the White Fang will stand by your decision?"

"I don't think it matters," He snide, "I'd say I'm-"

At that moment a blackout had occurred and when the lights came, Sienna's face appeared on screen, "That's where you're wrong bitch."

Everyone gasped as Roman asked, "Are... Are you Sienna Kahn? As in the Sienna Kahn?"

"Indeed I am and first off Roman, I absolutely love your show. Honestly if I had to f*ck a human, you'd be on the top of the list." The crowd began cheering from that last comment as the con man smirked to himself, "But onto more pressing matters, Adam, what you did was unacceptable. Sleeping with a Schnee is out of the question, consider yourself disbanded from the White Fang."

As Sienna's image left the screen, the former terrorist looked down and moaned, "Well sh1t, looks like I'm gonna have to get an actual job. Wonder if terrorist leader sounds good on a resume."

"It doesn't," Roman chirped then turned to Jacques, "And I assume you'll be disowning your daughter?"

"Already filed the papers," The elder Schnee replied.

With another flurry of boos, Weiss had a deep state of forlorn. However Roman added, "Yes, it is a sad story for our kids here, but this story does have a happy ending. You see folks I had a little chat with Willow and long story short, I convinced her to file for divorce."

"WHAT!" Jacques growled.

"And now that our friend here is no longer a Schnee, well that makes it all the more easier for my friends to transfer all his shares from the Schnee Dust company, to little Weiss."

The crowd erupted with cheers as the Jacques stood and snarled, "You can't do that!"

The con man smirked, gave a small gesture of his hand that preempted Neo on the side to throw him his cane, then finally stated, "When you've got friends like mine in the criminal underworld. You can steal anything and always get away with it. Anyways I'm done with you, why don't you-"

Jacques then rushed over to the host in an attempt to strangle him, only for the con man to swing his weapon like a baseball bat, sending the ex Schnee across the room, "Security get rid of this assh&le," Roman ordered. He then gave a bow as the crowd began chanting his name.

"You can't do this to me," he struggle, "Do you know who I am, I'll-"

At the end of the audience's cheers, Weiss stood up and murmured, "I... Can't believe you would do this... Thank you so much."

"No problem, but there's a catch. Before my friends transfer the shares to your name, you're boy toy will have to compete in Neo's show called **Pain Factor**."

"Da f%ck is that," The Faunus barked.

"Short answer, Neo puts you through a series of painful experiences for seventy two hours straight. You're free to quit at any time and if you win, you get a special prize."

"Well that's certainly an enticing offer."

"Well Adam, you don't even have to win for Weiss to get the shares. You just have to compete... Unless you want the two of you to end up homeless with an infant on the way."

"Gah F*CK IT! Fine, I'll just quit after the first challenge."

"Oh will you. Not even if the prize is this-" Off to the side, we see Neo modeling in front of a black throne made out of marble and chiseled into a bony like structure.

"Ugh," The Schnee girl moaned, "That thing looks hideous."

" ** _THAT IS SO F &CKING COOL!_**" Adam shouted.

"Well aren't you eager," Roman noted.

"Hell yeah I am, F*CK it I'm winning that chair. My entire life is pain anyway, so this should be easy."

"You see folks, Neo studies the contestant's likes and hand picks the most amazing prizes too irresistible to pass up. Now Adam, just follow the little loli and she'll direct you to her studio."

The Faunus ran across in a full sprint to where she was, but was taken back by the spine tingling, evil, sadistic smile on her face. Instantly Adam shuddered at what she had in store for him, but it didn't matter. He needed that chair and nothing was gonna stand in his way.

As Adam, Weiss, and Neo all exited the stage, Roman turned to the camera and stated, "Well you've all been wonderful tonight. I'm Roman Torchwick and this... Has been Roman's World. Til next time."


	3. Daddy likes evil Waifus

As our host Roman entered the stage to another cheering crowd, we find on one side of the stage to have two chairs seating the sisters Ruby and Yang, while the other side contained three chairs with Taiyang and Cinder and one chair empty. "Hello and welcome ladies and gentlemen," The host greeted, "Tonight for the first and most likely only time, our audience contains a non silhouette person, Sienna Khan. Everybody give it up for Sienna."

The crowd cheered as the tiger blushed at the attention as she sat in the front row. She wore her usual attire with a t-shirt over it containing Roman's face. The host continued, "Yes the character that owes a substantial amount of her popularity due to her appearance, because that's how we should see strong female characters. Jokes aside, it's wonderful to have you on the show."

Roman, then lean towards her, delinquently lifted her hand and planted his lips upon it. The crowd gave a subtle cheer, however this action preempted a massive rush to the Faunus, as she grabbed hold of his head and planted a sloppy kiss upon him. The crowd flew into a frenzy with Sienna shoving her tongue down his throat and when Roman managed to pull away she whispered, "I've decided I don't care if you're a human or a racist against Faunus, I wanna have your babies."

The con took a few steps back and mumbled, "Well, that is... Quite the offer. Uh, let me get back to you."

Returning to the stage Roman announced, "Okay let's move onto our topic for this evening as today's topic is, My daddy is into evil Waifus. Do you find this accurate Mr. Xaio Long?"

"Well," Taiyang muttered, "I'd say I tend to gravitate towards strong willed woman."

"Yes, who just happen to be morally gray if not straight up evil."

"I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, I mean Summer wasn't morally gray or evil."

"Right and now you find yourself in a relationship with Salem's old apprentice."

"Yeah okay that looks bad-"

"And if I recall, Raven killed a lot of innocents in her time before dating you. Didn't she admit her and Qrow entered Beacon in order to learn how to kill huntsmen."

"UNCLE QROW WAS GOING TO KILL HUNTSMEN!?" Ruby cried.

The crowd gave a few gasps as the con man moaned, "Oh little red, I wouldn't worry too much. Most people attend Beacon when they reach the age of seventeen, so I don't think he killed too many innocents. Maybe like, twenty or fifty if he started mastering the scythe at your age... Possibly a few kids."

The young girl had a look of horror on her face as the father growled, "Alright enough Roman. That was a long time ago and he's not that person anymore. Qrow may have done bad things in the past, but he's a good person with a good heart. There's no reason to bring up his past to judge who he is now."

"If you say so, but let's get back on topic. Can you tell me where Raven is now?"

"...She's, commanding her forces."

"Which are?"

"...Thieves and murderers."

The audience gave a wave of O's as Roman then added, "Huh, so not only were you attracted to Raven then Cinder, both excellent judge of character by the way, but my sources also note a romance with a morally gray Tex. Is that correct?"

"Gah, we don't have to talk about Tex, uh what were you saying about Raven again hehe?"

"Just tell me this Taiyang, do you have the mentality of a teenage girl?"

"What?"

Roman then proceeded to mock the father in a high pitch voice, "Oh Suzie, I know he's a bad boy, but he has a heart of gold. I think I can change him."

The crowd burst into a fit of laughter as the father sank into his seat embarrassed. Roman then sat down in the empty seat and explained, "In case you're wondering this seat was reserved for Raven, but she has repeatedly denied my invitation on this show, so before we move onto Cinder's thoughts. I believe this would be a great time to segue into the **Crack ship of the week.** Let's give it up for our lovely couple."

* * *

As the above screen turned to the same Italian restaurant, we find a slightly irritated Emerald along with her date Sage as he was looking through the menu. The thief sighed, "You know why they have specifically us on this date right?"

"Hm," The boy pondered, "Is it because we both have sexy hair?"

"Damn straight."

"Green is the sexiest hair color of all time."

"You bet your ass it is, looks really good on you by the way."

"Thanks, but tell me Emerald," Sage soothed, "Does the carpet match the drapes?"

"Indeed they do," she hushed, "Do yours?"

"Why don't you see for yourself?"

"OOOO, I like the sound of that."

* * *

The silhouettes let out a series of subtle o's and ahs with Roman commenting, "Well it appears this ship has sailed, for now that is, think I'll call it... Poison Ivy."

The host then turned his attention to his former boss, "Now tell me Cinder, what drove you into Taiyang's arms? He does have two daughters after all."

"Well," Cinder hushed, "As you know, Salem has completely given up on evil, leaving many of us out of work. A girl's got to eat, so I took up his offer for dinner and I found such a sweet sensitive guy who can take charge when he needs to, is willing to submit when I put my foot down, and can be really funny."

"Oh stop," The father gushed.

"I mean it sweetie," The two then shared a kiss with a wave of aw's from the audience, however Yang could only cringe at the sight.

"Oh my," Roman commented, "Seems someone isn't too pleased." He then shifted over to other side to get the daughter's perspective. "Tell me little miss locks. What are your thoughts on this relationship?"

Yang sighed, "Look I don't care who my dad dates as long as he's happy. What I don't care for is how she tries to boss Ruby and I around. We're not your kids and you need to recognize that."

A small amount of cheers came from the crowd as Roman asked, "Miss Fall, your thoughts?"

"Well," Cinder soothed, "I only want what's best for them. Being in a broken home isn't easy for anyone I should know. I only wish to help."

"You locked me in the attic!"

"Well that's where my stepmother sent me, when I misbehaved."

The blonde girl stood in a fury and began fuming, "I don't f%cking care, I'm not your daughter, I'm almost eighteen and your only like three years older than me, I'm not-"

As the girl was ranting, Cinder responded by walking up to her and commanded, "Yang, _**down!**_ "

"No! I told you, you're not my-"

"I said _**DOWN!**_ Now Yang, sit _**DOWN!"**_

The intensity in Cinder's voice grew with every command that frightened the girl, she then began to mumble as she slowly sat back down in her seat quietly. The audience was baffled and muttering to themselves as Roman asked, "Now what was that?"

"The best kind of parenting out there, absolute dominance." The former villain then turned her attention to the other sister, "Now Ruby, do you have anything you'd like to say about me."

"Um-I uh, um," The young girl mumbled.

"Aw she's shy. You wanna treat girl? Would you like that?" Cinder cooed as her tone became more playful.

"Uh YEAH I'd love a treat. Is it a cookie, do you have a cookie," She chirped while standing up in her seat.

"Hey, hey calm down. siiiiiiit." Ruby immediately complied as the woman continue, "Speeeeaaak."

"Uh I think Cinder is a great person and a good fit for our family."

"Good girl, who's a good girl?"

"IS IT ME!?"

"Yes it is, you want your treat?"

"YES PLEASE."

"Okay," Cinder then pulled out a small cookie and as Ruby shook in excitement, the woman then order, "Now let me see that palm."

Ruby then stuck her hand out palm facing up as Cinder placed the pastry in it. Almost immediately the young girl started munching out it, trying to savoir every bite as the woman then tousled the girl's hair and cooed, "So cute."

Cinder then ended her interaction by placing a small kiss on the girl's forehead before returning to her man. Roman then commented, "Well you certainly know what you're doing."

"What can I say, being around Ruby this much has unlocked a mothering side of me I didn't know that was there and Taiyang well..." She cooed while snuggling close to the father, "He is just so handsome, so sweet, so pure that I just want love every inch of-"

In that very moment, a red vortex appeared with Raven emerging from it screaming, " **GET AWAY FROM MY MAN!** "

Cinder immediately dodged Raven's initial strike from her katana while fastening two glass blades and fought back the aggressor. Roman then leaned into Taiyang and commented, "Two women fighting over you, must make you feel really special right now."

"What can I say," The father shrugged, "I'm a bit of a player."

"Indeed, well folks we're gonna need a moment to brake these two up so for now let's cut to commercial."

* * *

In the middle of the screen, we find three twelve year old children sitting patiently as the announcer called **HEY KIDS! You wanna be huntsmen when you grow up right?**

The three children cheered, " _YEEEEAAAHH!_ "

 **BUT OH NO, YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE WEAPONS DO YOU**

" _Noooo,"_ They answered in unison

 **And none of you know the first thing about crafting your own weapons right?**

" _Nooooo"_

 **Well damn, what do three kids do if they want to train to be huntsmen.**

The kids shrugged their shoulders

 **I KNOW! Why don't you go down to Guns 4 Tots**

 _"Guns 4 Tots?"_

 **That's right kids, we have large bladed or blunt weapons twice your size almost all of which double as a gun. Hell, some of them have explosive capabilities. Hey little girl, you want a Hammer that doubles as a grenade launcher?**

 _"F%CK YEAH I DO!"_ She chirped, " _A hammer full of grenades sounds completely safe to smash with."_

 **How about you young man, how'd you like a mini gun that can be compressed into a tiny suitcase?**

" _I could take it anywhere and no one would know its a dangerous weapon."_

 **Indeed you could take your dangerous weapons anywhere you please. Because small children working with these kinds of weapons is completely acceptable in this world for some reason and if anyone has a problem with it, just calmly remind them you have a gun and they don't. So whine, bitch, scream, and moan at your parents until they buy you one of these death machines that can kill multiple people in an instant.**

* * *

We open to see a slightly damaged stage with the free chair finally occupying Raven as the crowd cheered to Roman reentering and stating, "Alright folks we're back, seems like our final guest has decided to join us after all. It's lovely to see you here Miss Branwen."

"Whatever." Raven snarled.

"Okay great start, now Taiyang. I think we're all dying to know how the two of you came to be."

"Well that's a bit of a long story," The father admitted, "You see, when I was in Beacon I actually had a few girls who were interested in me. Raven was the tough violent one with a soft side, Summer was the shy one who got flustered when it was just the two of us alone, this one girl Elizabeth was very quiet and emotionless and often said harsh things in a blunt way, but had a heart of gold, Vicky was a bit creepy and had a murderous vibe honestly, OH and Vixen was this sexy panther Faunus who-"

"I'm sorry time out," Roman interjected, "How many girlfriends did you have at Beacon?"

The father looked upward as he waved his index finger listing them then answered, "Nine."

"NINE Girlfriends?" The host blurted as the crowd cheered, "I knew you-" the con attempted to continue, but the roaring cheers grew louder and louder until Roman quieted them down, "I knew you were a player, but I didn't think to that extent. How many of them did you impregnate?"

"Just Raven and Summer **COUGH COUGH** and Vicky **COUGH COUGH"**

"Well damn, alright enough of that. Now Raven, it appears back then you weren't bothered by Taiyang having multiple women in his life, but now you wish to claim him for yourself?"

"Yes well, I've been hiding from a lot things in my life. I've been a coward for far too long and... Seeing this witch all over him just ignited a passion in me I thought was buried long ago."

"YEAH GO MOM!" Yang Cheered.

"I said **DOWN** Yang." Cinder growled.

The blonde girl whimpered and complied. After a glare to Cinder from the girl's mother, Raven continued, "But I don't want to be a coward anymore, so if you'll let me. I'd like to give us a second chance. I'd... I'd like for us to be a family."

Taiyang was aghast as he mumbled, "I-I don't know what to say."

"Such a touching and complicated moment," Roman commented, "Will Taiyang returned to his long lost love or will he find comfort in his new love... Unfortunately that's all the time we have. So if you're looking for a satisfying conclusion to this love triangle I'm afraid you're sh!t out of luck. I'm Roman Torchwick and this has been Roman's World. Good night everybody."

* * *

 **Authors note, I should explain. As I was writing this, I wasn't sure if in THIS context Taiyang should go back to Raven or stay with Cinder. I'd rather have a general consensus from you guys on what he should choose, but at the same time I wouldn't mind seeing what happens in volume 6 since they did tease a possible reunion between these two, so I'd like to see how they interact in canon. I know Tai and Cinder(ship name Tinder) would be the funnier conclusion and Tai and Raven would be the sweeter one, so I could be satisfied with this subplot either way. Or hell, maybe y'all want a threesome conclusion. Though in all honesty, with the randomness of this fic, there's always a chance I'll do something completely out of the ordinary like have Tai hook up with Port or something crazy like that. Just saying, I'd like to hear you're guys' thoughts, but in the end I'll make the executive decision on how I want to proceed from here. I also thought about bringing in Tai's harem for an episode. Mind you I'd rather it not be the very next episode/chapter cause I want to explore multiple different crack based plots and obviously having seven other women would mean OCs so sorry if that's not your thing**

 ** **(((((((IN OTHER NEWS)))))))****

 ** **I've started my first community****

 ** **You see I was having a discussion with one of my followers of the possibility of making RWBY fics that parodied Teen mom, the Jersey shore, and Jackass. I am tempted to write a Teen Mom parody fic, but feel I don't have the drive for it(at least not right now), but it got me thinking about this kind of subgenre of RWBY fics. So I created the community called "As seen on TV" a home for all talk show, reality tv, parody shows/movies with some slight exceptions. So far I have collected six stories****

 ** **"Big Brother Ozpin" (My absolute favorite fan fic on this site that I've read twice already and would recommend to anyone)****

 ** **"Celebrity Matchmaker"****

 ** **"The RWBY talk show"****

 ** **"RWBY watches Jackass"****

 ** **"RWBY Jackass"****

 ** **and finally "Roman's World"****

 ** **Consider this an open invitation. To write any parody fics of Teen Mom, Talk show, The Amazing Race/Ridonculous race, Survivor/Total Drama Island, Big Brother, Bachelor/Bachelorette, Intervention, Scared Straight, or just whatever floats your boat. I'll be open to SOME exceptions like Jackass, but I'd like the main themes for this community to be for RWBY characters doing reality type situations. So if you write or find anything you believe belongs in this community, please PM and I'll get right on it.****


	4. Multiplying like horny teenagers

The host Roman Torchwick entered into another cheering crowd as one side of the stage had eight seats with Jaune sitting in one while the other side had five seats with Velvet occupying one. "Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another exciting episode of-" The host pauses as he gestures towards the audience.

The silhouettes cheer, "ROMAN'S WORLD!"

"Yes and in my world, we're here discuss another pregnancy in today's topic called, Multiplying like horny teenagers." He then looked over towards the two teens and asked, "Alright kids, now I think we're all familiar with this story. Two love birds get incredibly drunk, wake up the next morning with wedding rings and now-"

"Uh, Mr. Torchwick," Jaune interrupted, "We're not married."

Velvet then added, "Yeah and neither of us have ever drank alcohol."

The audience began whispering to itself while Torchwick looked at the two kids dumbfounded, "So wait, **YOU** Jaune Arc. Got into a relationship with another character you've spent absolutely no canon time with and it wasn't because of a marriage mistake from too much drinking?"

"Um...Yes?"

"...That's weird, isn't that weird guys? Oh I get it, Velvet was in heat and you took advantage of her right?"

"WH-WHAT?! NO, that's just sick and wrong," The blonde knight squeaked.

"And completely racist too," Velvet huffed, "Just because I'm part animal doesn't mean I go through heat. My anatomy like any other Faunus has more similarities to humans, no Faunus goes through heat."

"So wait, the love making between you two was a hundred percent consensual?" Roman inquired, "The both of you were in proper states' of mind, when you two made this decision?"

"YES!" The two said in unison.

"...Well, then how did it happen?"

Velvet sighed, "Well Jaune and I started a bit of an ironic friendship with Cardin picking on both of us. We got to talking, found out we had a lot in common and well..." She then began to blush as she started to stroke one of her bunny ears, "He was so sweet to me when we were alone together that I just sort of... kissed him without warning. We stared at each other not knowing what to do until we just kept kissing more and more until we got to the bedroom and well...Now we're here."

A collection of O's and Aw's came from the audience as Roman asked, "So in other words, the basis and compatibility of your relationship came before anything serious happened and not after a life changing experience? Like...Normal people?"

Another united answer from the teens came as they stated, "Yes."

"Feels weird from Jaune Arc of all people, but we've already spent too much time on this matter." Roman then pulled out a few cards, "Alright let's start filling in these seats, because we got two big families becoming one. Let me first introduce you all to one of Jaune's oldest sisters, Darcie."

Suddenly an adult woman with long flowing blonde hair, round glasses, armor similar to Jaune's with the addition to a steel combat skirt that only wrapped around the sides and back while wearing black high heeled boots. As the woman took a seat next to Jaune, Roman spoke over the cheering crowd, "Darcie here is twenty three years old, incredibly intelligent, and is usually put in charge of Jaune and his siblings. Next we have her twin sister Susan."

What followed was a similar looking woman with shorter hair and no combat skirt slugging her way across the stage with her eyes half shut and tripping over a chair, instantly waking herself up and adjusting to a sitting position as Roman commented, "Susan here is in a huntsmen team with three Faunus and thus most of her missions happen at night, leaving the poor girl tired for most of the day. Next we have the sixteen year old bad girl Gwen."

A slightly younger girl than Jaune entered with a blonde ponytail wearing a purple t shirt, purple skirt, and black boots. The girl had an irritated expression as she immediately sat right next to her brother staring daggers into the faunus, making Velvet nervous. "Gwen here is sixteen and has had a dozen run ins with the law and...I'm sorry, but it says here Jaune is her true love, is this true?"

Gwen turned the other direction with a blush while Jaune answered for her, "Yes, ever since we were little she's talked about marrying me. When we were kids it was cute, but turns out she's always been serious and still is to this day."

"So you still got a little crush on your big brother huh," Roman bantered, "How cute."

"Yeah well," Gwen fumed, "What does it matter if we're related? I'd love him a hell of a lot more than this little F%cking whore."

The crowd went into a frenzy as Roman commented, "My what a mouth on her."

"Yes well," Jaune added, "She may seem like a handful on the outside, but she's sweet on the inside."

"A regular ol Tsundere huh Jaune."

"A what?"

"Oh nothing, let's start introducing the triplets. Give it up for Holly."

A younger girl entered the stage, she had blonde pigtails and wore a pink frilly dress and took a seat directly behind her big brother. Immediately she began hugging him from behind in a choke hold, as she was excited to be reunited with him. As Jaune gasped for air, her older sister Gwen gave her a glare that sent shivers down her spine. She then released her hold and sat quietly as Roman introduced, "Holly here is a fifteen year old girl who loves spreading joy to all and is the happiest little girl you ever did see." As the crowd cheered, the young girl gave a smile and waved to the audience. "Now let's bring in our next Arc sister, Daphne."

Another fifteen year old entered with short stylish hair, wearing a white sundress and sunglasses on top of her head. Unfortunately as the girl approached the empty seats, she tripped on her own two feet and on instinct, Jaune immediately caught her. She thanked him for her clumsiness, only to receive a scowl from the angered Gwen. The girl quickly found a seat furthest away from the two as Roman went on, "Daphne here is a bit of a clutz who's interests include fashion and cute boys. Her favorite color is...Zebra? Okay then, and has repeatedly been told by her teachers how special she is."

"YAY! I'm special." She cried

"Indeed you are buttercup, next up in our trio of triplets we have Shelly."

What followed was a girl with short messy hair wearing a pink sweater vest, glasses, and carried a box of tissues as she immediately made it to her seat. The girl continually kept sneezing and moaning Roman explained, "Yes it appears Shelly is the smartest of the Arc family with a multitude of allergies and is on her way of becoming a scholar."

The audience gave another wave of O's as Roman continued, "And last but not least, little Bethany."

A small child poked her head out, frightened at the sight of all the people until Jaune made his way over, "Hey, hey it's okay. Why don't you take a seat next to your big sister Darcie, she'll protect you."

The young girl agreed while hugging her brother closely as he picked her up to bring her to their oldest sister. The crowd let out a wave of aws as Roman concluded, "Yes little Beth here is the youngest at eight years old and is very shy around strangers."

With all the Arc kids present and accounted for, the host commented, "Now seven sisters huh Jaune wow and yet it turns out Velvet has quite a big family too."

"Yeah that was something we bonded over. She'd tell me stories about her brothers, aunts, and uncles and I'd tell her stories about my sisters. I mean I have more siblings, but her family tree seems to show every generation having a lot of kids."

"I see, so how many kids are you two love birds going to have?"

"Gah, we uh-"

"NO MORE!" Gwen grunted, "Jaune's my love and I'm going to have twice as many kids with him as that slut Velvet."

With the audience letting out another wave of O's, Roman commented, "My, my little Gwen. Seems she really likes you Jaune."

The blonde knight sighed, "Yeah, honestly it can be kind of annoying sometimes. She just doesn't take no for an answer."

This statement was met with a peculiar look as the host asked, "...Really? You're complaining about somebody who can't take no for an answer?"

"Yeah, why?"

"...Wow. Okay lack of self awareness aside, I think it's time to move on to everybody's favorite segment, " **Crack ship of the week.** Yes before we introduce Velvet's brothers why don't we take a look at another bit of cringy love featuring an actual canon lesbian with her date, the snobby self absorbed Melanie."

* * *

In the same Italian restaurant, we find a tense Ilia looking over to her date who was more preoccupied with her scroll. "Soooo," Ilia muttered, "...Do you like books?"

"What the hell are books," her date replied not taking her eyes off of her scroll.

The Faunus became slightly annoyed while explaining, "Its like a magazine, but longer with no pictures."

"Oh...Weird."

"...Well this night is certainly one to remember."

"Yeah I don't really belong in such a quiet setting, but listen. I sent your picture to my sister Militia and she thinks you're hot."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, so how about we ditch this place, head to the club and the three of us can f%ck later. Deal?"

The Faunus girl stammered at the suggestion, "I uh well-woof that sounds like quite a night."

"Oh believe me, you haven't partied until you've partied with my sister and me, and fair warning, man or woman we always share. You interested?"

"Uh YEAH! Totally, let's get the fuck out of here."

* * *

The crowd let out a flurry of O's as Roman commented, "My, my an all girl threesome. Yeah I'm definitely going to be thinking of the three of them later. Think I'll call this ship...Threesomeleon."

The con then continued, "Alright, let's start introducing the Scarlatina brothers and remember folks, apparently Faunus don't go through heat even though everyone in Velvet's family has several kids. First let's introduce the oldest at age twenty, the huntsman Leo."

A tall semi muscular man entered the stage, with bunny ears and brown hair, wearing no shirt, metal spaulders extending past his elbows and straps across his chest, while wearing torned jeans. "Oh my ladies, look at that display," The host pointed out, "Leo here is the leader of a mercenary huntsmen team, compiled entirely by his brothers. Now is it true Leo, none of you have completed an education at a prestigious academy."

"Well Roman," Leo replied, "I believe the best way to learn is through hands on experience. We're all still knowledgeable on Grimm and my brothers and I feel up to any challenge that comes are way."

"Fascinating and why didn't you invite your sister to join with you guys?"

"We did, but at the time she wasn't interesting in being a huntress. Professional or not, but as you can see, times change. I just wish certain people can keep their hands to themselves so she could have focused on her studies." Leo stated while glaring at Jaune.

"I couldn't agree more, now let's introduce Velvet's other older brother, Ralph."

Ralph entered the stage as a bulkier intimidating figure with the same bunny ears and a brown buzz cut, he wore a red torn tank top that hugged his chest tightly, and jeans while staring daggers at the blonde knight. This guy scared Jaune even more than Leo, given his physique being twice as much as the first brother.

"Says here Ralph can be very cool," Roman stated, "But also very rude. Apparently you shoved a crime lord's head into a fire place? Is that correct little Ralphy?"

"Allow me to answer your question with another question. Do you like your face Roman?" Ralph snarled.

"Um...Yes?"

"Well let me tell you, that same assh#le called me Ralphy. So I suggest you refrain from calling me that again."

While letting out a nervous laugh, the host continued, "Okay duly noted, uh up next we got Velvet's younger brother at seventeen years old, Don."

What entered was a third bunny Faunus, this time with two very noticeable buckteeth protruding from his mouth, very messy brown hair, wore round thick glasses on his face while a pair of goggles rested on his head, and wore a white lab coat with a light purple undershirt.

Roman then introduced, "It appears we have the brains of the group as Donnie here does machines."

The newly arrived brother interjected, "Um well, that's actually a very vague interpretation of my skills. I actually have a vast knowledge of not only mechanical engineering, but also chemistry, biology, and-"

"Shut up nerd," The host interrupted, "Now thankfully the last, but certainly not least OC, we have is Velvet's youngest brother at age sixteen. Give it up for Michael."

At that moment, the last brother dropped down from above and into the remaining seat on Velvet's side screaming, "BOOYAKASHAAAA!" His Faunus trait was a white fluffy tail, with blonde slightly spikey hair, an orange open Hawaiian shirt, with no undershirt, and brown shorts.

As Roman read, "Says here you like pizza, skateboarding, and you're a...Party dude?"

"You know it bra, SUP LADIES." The youngest brother soothed towards Jaune's sisters, "Any y'all single?"

"Mikey!" The four other bunny siblings barked.

"Well folks, there you have it," The host stated, "In the event of introducing eleven OCs we now have the longest chapter to date, so I feel this is the perfect time to cut to commercial."

* * *

On screen we see a man holding what appears to be a simple washcloth. "Hi folks, my name's Tom Thompson and I'm here with another fantastic product. Are you tired of spending hours upon hours of scrubbing dishes. Well with my little friend, the wond- der dere deraoanbfoiew nbfiklodnb ap **-**

* * *

A complete black screen had taken hold as it slowly illuminated to a man wearing a samurai styled mecha suit with blades across the arms and shoulders. "Sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled program, but I have an announcement to make. For years, my plans for world domination have been put on hold thanks to the annoying interruptions of four filthy BUNNIES! So I have a message to the famed Teenage Huntsmen Ninja Bunny group. Three weeks from today, I will enact my most devious plot yet. I will release a deadly virus in multiple major cities across Remnant, that will kill millions. If you wish to save lives, you must surrender yourselves to me so that I may conjure up a vaccine. I will then use this vaccine to sell to the public and make..."

The man's attention was taken away as he growled at someone off screen, "It is too a good plan...SHUT UP, NO ONE ASKED YOU DANNY! Now where was I? What was that...Was that really the plot of a movie...Which one? OH THAT MOVIE? DAMN IT, that movie sucked. Well I suppose you win this round bunnies, but don't think this is the end. With Salem gone this world will feel the almighty wrath of- **THE BLENDER!"** The man shouted as the blades across his suit began spinning.

He then looked to the side growling, "What are talking about, of course its a cool name. SHUT UP DANNY!"

* * *

Cut back to the show, Roman commented, "Well that was a weird ad. Anyways, Michael, do you have any advice you'd like to give Jaune and your sister?"

"Um sure," The youngest Scarletina replied, "Look Velvet, you're the nicest person I know. You're gonna make a awesome mom." The crowd let out another flurry of aws with Velvet giving a small smile. "And as for you Arc, well I don't know enough about you, but I can only guess growing up with seven sisters means you know a thing or two about family. So the only advice I can give you two is... Don't let the little guy read too many books."

The audience began mumbling to themselves as the youngest brother continued, "Oh yeah I'm serious. Books are for nerds and nerds are losers."

"Mikey," Don groaned, "How many books have you read?"

"Like...All the way through?"

"Yeah, you're clearly the right model for this kid."

"Well Don," Roman interjected, "What would you have said?"

The bunny brother thought for a moment and answered, "Well, ever since I heard the news I've compiled a multi step education system for toddlers and growing infants. So I don't so much have advice, but rather a promise that whenever we're not occupied on missions, I'll assist in the child's developmental process."

"Awwww, thanks Donnie," Velvet mumbled.

"Yes very sweet," Roman added, "Leo, same question?"

"Well," Leo uttered, "All can say is, when our mother passed away and our dad was stuck raising us I took up some responsibility in the household."

"You can say that again," Michael added then began to mock his brother in a high pitched voice, "Moma Leo here to make you eat your vegeta-OW!"

He was then silenced when his sister pulled on one of his ears.

Slightly irritated, the eldest brother continued, "All I'm going to say is if you ever need advice in general, I'll be happy to help. As the oldest, I kind of feel like I've been parenting since I was twelve."

A few claps and cheers filled the room as Roman asked the final brother, "Very moving, now Ralph do you have anything you have to say?"

"Just one thing," Ralph stated, "All I can say is now that you got my little sister pregnant, that makes you part of our family. So my advice is simple, you hurt my family and I hurt you."

"Oh my," Roman noted, "Quite the statement, well that's all the time we have here. I hope you all enjoyed this entry of Roman's world."

* * *

 **Just wanted to say, I came to the conclusion Velvet was eighteen, given how all but Ruby in teams RWBY and JNPR are seventeen and Velvet is a second year student.**

 **That's all I have to say about that.**


End file.
